FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
