Do vagina's smell?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
