your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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