i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
