I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
