Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
