i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
