What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
