there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
