You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
