He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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