she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
