Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
