I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
