i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
