i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
