Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
