someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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