Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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