You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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