Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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