Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
