I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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