did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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