dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
