I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
