If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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