You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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