Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
