I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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