she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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