Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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