I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Randomize
