do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
