mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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