I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
