My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
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She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
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I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.