Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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