his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
