i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
