You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
