I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
