I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
