I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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