Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
