Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
