I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
