she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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