I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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