Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
