so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
