Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
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it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Randomize