She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize