Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
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apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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