I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
