If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
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