Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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