My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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